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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
 Posted - 16 May 2006 : 21:55:04
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quote:
Originally posted by serenata
Jambo, these are also very important points. The officials can open up a war against you, looking for work can also be a nightmare. It is not always easy to be aware that this stress is coming from outside and has nothing to do with your relationship. It can destroy a lot. This is why I asked where mamag's friends are living.
Another important thing are the expectations and claims of the Gambian family. They can put a lot of pressure on the Gambian partner, and to be loyal to the family is VERY important for Gambians. I saw Africans break under this pressure, go mad or end up in prison, as two sides are pulling: The European partner wants his/her economical and emotional share, the Gambian family wants the same. And the latter is not always realistic about what is possible in Europe.
This the nightmare of a gambian married to a westerner. It is a very delicate balance. For those of you who live in UK there is a documentary about a Gambian who married a British Lady. I think was on Channel 4. You should should request a copy. It was either in 1994 or 1995. The name of the boy is Lamin i believe and he was from the North bank Division. I cannot remember the village but the programme covered the wedding to their visist in the gambia and the questions raised.
Some have belived that there was a lot of mnoney made in the marriage through the documentary but i am not sure who had it. Please check for the copy. IT IS FOOD FOR THOUGHT. |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 15:30:54
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Kondorong, I think your suggestion to write a book was meant ironically. But you are making me curious, I'll try to get the video.
It is indeed very difficult for both partners to hold the balance. In many cases the European partner has to learn that his/her marriage is not an 'island', that he/she married not a single person but a whole family.
On the other hand the African partner has to learn some detachment, because giving in to every wish of your family will bring you 100% into severe troubles. I know that obedience especially to your father is very important in Gambia, and I know how depressing it can be to know you have to be partly disobedient at the moment in order to survive in the foreign society and help your family in the long term.
I think the best solution of the problem is: Make your budget as a couple, then sit together with the Gambian family and talk openly about the amount of money you can spend to support them. Set your limits, and make clear that anything above this limit will bring you into stress and trouble.
One important thing I would like to tell the African partner: If you want to have a good marriage, be careful with 'good friends' who always seem to know exactly what your partner should do, what he/she should provide for you, and so on... Dangerous! |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 18:54:19
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You are right serenata.
However, my suggestion that you write a book is very genuine. You have said in a very short posting what many are struggling to deal with. The advice is very mature and sincere. This is what counselors do and certainly you do a better job at it. Seriously you need to write a book on cross-cultural marriages and it will be a big sell.
Secondly, in traditional African families friends made huge decisions on behalf of their other friend in terms of marriage. For example, i could go and get my friend’s wife from her family when she ran away without telling my friend that i will be going for his wife. Her family can agree to my request and my friend cannot dare go against me. We totally supported each other at all cost. In fact a smart wife can get away with a lot of things if she knows how to win the support of her husbands friends because they can always over rule his decisions. Similarly, my brothers can over rule my marital decisions in favor of the wife especially when they feel that the wife has given them the respect they deserve in the household.
I have seen mothers beat their sons for to support their daughter in law. Unfortunately that idea of being each other’s keeper is eroding very fast. Many just hide behind this culture, which unfortunately is only there in name. One needs to set boundaries as far as friends are concerned in your marriage issues. Before, there were no boundaries and advices are very genuine and mutual.
Those were the days when friend were more relevant than blood relations. Now, society has changed a lot but it looks like we then to hang on those traditions but which have only remained in semblance. The environment does not exist anymore even though we still try to cling on to the past. |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 19:00:30
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| kondorong i knew about the extended family but what you are saying is deep. This could split familes. |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 19:11:27
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You se jambo, i grew up in a compound with many mothers. Africans do not have uncles or aunties like in the west. Your mothers sisters are mothers and fathers brothers are all fathers even if you are older than them.
I was more close to my other mothers and ate their meals and slept on their beds. i have seen people grow up not really sure who was their real mother. They suckle milk from other mothers in compound. The problem with that traditionally is that you cannot marry any one you shared the same breast even though you may be from different biological parents.
Mothers help others in the field to suckle each others children with no problem yet they were poorer but hapier. Now we are richer but less happy. This does not split families.
Infact every male in the village would have a girl friend which is just like a sister. They will camp out, party, she will cook for him sometimes, he will help on her farm and the man becomes the big brother when she gets married. I wish i could explain this further. I used to sleep in friend's house and his brothers wife would always make sure i had food. We always knew where you can find anyone in the village.
There had bigger bonds and i knew no hatred. Those bonds are still in effect. I have people name their children after me. Infact my son is named after a friend and he is obliged to call him father not uncle. An uncle in the Gambia is one's mother's brother. |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 19:23:08
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In england, when I was growing up my mum and her brother were very close. So I was bought up close to my cousins..like sisters. We went on holidays together, spent at least one day a week together at my grandmas house and always had christmas together. It was considered very strange at school that I was best friends with my cousin!!
It wasnt as close as you describe in Gambia, but similar in spirit.
My uncle was like a second father to my brother.
I think it is because of my upbringing that I love the feel in the Gambian village so much......it reminds me of my childhood at my grandmas house..... I love that family closeness. 
I live 120 miles from all my family and have done since I left home for university aged 18. I still miss that sense of family and feel my own children have missed out because we have been small family unit of mum, dad and 2 children. They have had a lot more materially, but I couldnt recreate that specialness, even though I tried.  |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 19:37:39
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Gambiabev
It looks similar trends happended around the world. They vary in depth and the trend is also fading everywhere it seems. My children now are growing up within a house with only me and their mom. So when they grow up, may not appreciate what i grew up with. Sharing and a lot of it. It is the sign of the times |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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mamag
28 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 20:19:59
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kondorong. i think it would be a great idea to write a book about cross-cultural or binational marriages...it would be a great read and particularly make great wedding presents.
Serenta, have you thought about it...I do on and off again after I reading a brief article in the Sunday Times magazine almost a year ago and I thought I could put a bit of my degree to some use…. maybe one day
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 20:28:11
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Thank you, Kondorong, for your approval; maybe I should really think about writing this book... I can only speak from my personal experience - with my marriage, and with others - but sometimes I also think I guessed it not all wrong. But this didn't prevent me from making very stupid mistakes 
And thank you for the deep insight you give into Gambian marital/familiar matters.
My husband's next elder brother, I was told, is my 'lawyer' when it comes to quarrels. Fortunately, we never had to make use of this, but actually he is the one in the family I am closest with. My mother-in-law, whom I liked very much, died some years ago, but I am sure she would be on my side if my husband did any mischief to me. |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 20:51:54
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| So off you go. Start your first draft tody and before you know it, you have a book. You see, having made mistakes is not the essence. It is being able to learn from such mistakes that make the difference. A mistake is a sign that some one tried to do something. Those who never venture or try never make mistakes. |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 21:25:02
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| Thanks, Kondorong! I'll try to do my very best. But you should be my lecturer. |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 21:27:13
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| Nonsense. I would write in German, and then have it translated. |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 22:00:05
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| We wait for the news. JERREH JEFF (THANK YOU) |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 17 May 2006 : 22:18:41
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You go girl! A book like this is long overdue. Good luck with your endeavour. I could of done with that book fourteen years ago. Anyway a good read comes with experience, now it all makes a lot more sense. It's all good.
peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
Edited by - Sister Omega on 17 May 2006 22:23:43 |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 18 May 2006 : 12:35:27
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| Heaven, I am trapped. That's what I got from my big mouth - my husband now urges me, too. Anyway, thank you all. I'll let you know about the proceeding of the work. Need some literature, too. |
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