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mamag
28 Posts |
 Posted - 15 May 2006 : 17:42:36
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For those of you who have married a Gambian or African wo/man or anyone from a non E.U. country or the United States, how has this impacted your relationship, has it or does it /not put a strain on your relationship especially if they know no-one here except for you (dependency issue), the financial burden on you, the weather and culture for example. 2 of my friends plan to marry their Gambian partners this summer and I have never been in this situation so I want to know how to advise them as especially that they are much older than me and therefore, I don’t want to give them advise based on my speculation but on others experience so they can be better ready to welcome their partners into the western world..
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 15 May 2006 : 19:34:31
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Mamag, your questions touch a lot of influencial factors and not at least the personalities and the motives of both partners. It is absolutely impossible to give general answers. Though there may be some common factors, a lot depends on the single case. To give advice, I should first ask you some questions, like:
You say that your friends are much older than you. How old are their partners? Is there an age gap? Which country are they living in - is it more tolerant, or dominated by racists? For how long do they know their partners, how familiar are they with the Gambian culture? How are the attitudes towards the marriage a) on your friends' side and b) from their social environment. And so on. |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 15 May 2006 : 23:00:26
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I almost feel that Gambia/western marriages should have to produce a log book of how many hours they have spent together!
You might say you have know each other..say 5 years...but if that is 4 weeks each year, that is 20 weeks....of perhaps 5 hours a day if they are working in Gambia.....so is 100 hours enough to base a marriage on??????
NO NO NO!
Before marriage you need to really know the person, meet each others families etc........
Once married you will be spending most spare hours together for the rest of your life.
Dont rush it......make sure you have compatable views on life.....
But then if you do take the plunge I wish you all the luck in the world......... I hope your friends will be very happy if they decide to marry. |
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mamag
28 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 10:37:21
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LADIES....i certainly do not plan on getting married soon.
i was just wondering what people's experiences were of bringing some one into the country and how they coped.
Serenta, my friends are roughly the same age as their partners, in their early to mid 30's and they have spent some considerable time together living in the Gambia (for a few months)with their partners b4 returning to the uk... as always, i also think that one of my friend's families are ok but you always have the one/two who iaren't.
London is tolerant...but that also depdends on the area you live.
Is love and patience enough in such situations.
how hard is it for their partners to find work, especially for those who aren't educated/or have qualification speak and write very little .
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 16:01:10
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| they should consider this, language, religion, gender, age and finacial situation. I cannot tell you how many relationships i have seen where one partner has not respected the other partners position of one of the other. if you marry a youger person are you on the same wave length when you leave gambia. religion, my friend married a gambian he muslim, I asked her why di you not respect his relgion, it comes with him. ie food, holy days, attitude of the wife. Language, what is acceptable here is not acceptable in Gambia, even the simplest slang. Love knows no bounds but barriers have to be faced and obstacles overcome. |
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mamag
28 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 18:07:02
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| Jambo,very wise words again...thank you |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 18:36:22
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mamag, it sounds good that there is no age gap between the partners, that they will live in a multicultural, multiracial metropolis like London, and that they know each other for a longer time.
Here are some of the many things I would like to tell both partners, European and African:
++ Keep in mind that you married a person from a different culture, and don't expect him/her to function 100% like a person from your own society. With your marriage you took on the task to build bridges.
++ Each one of you is a competent member of her/his own society, not of the partner's society. So, you both should see yourselves as guides and listen to your partner's advice at the same time.
++ Don't mix this with a paternal/maternal attitude. Your partner is an adult person who, in a foreign society, needs a helping hand from time to time. She/he is not a baby to be pampered or shielded from every evil.
++ Resist the temptation to play the strong and the know-it-all. Using your foreign, and maybe economically dependent partner for compensating an inferior complex or pampering your vanity means abuse. On the whole it will help you nothing, but your marriage will end up in disaster. In the same sense: Be glad and proud, not afraid, when your partners is gaining more independence.
And above all:
++ Talk to each other about everything that bothers you! I mean 'talk' and not 'accuse'. Feel free to ask 'silly' questions.
Good luck! |
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mamag
28 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 18:54:44
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i'll be sure to pass those very wise words on and to take some of that onboard myself.
thank you |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 19:17:25
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| I would be glad if it could be of help in some ways, thank you. It's a rough summary of more than 11 years experience with my binational/biracial marriage, and even if some points may look as if they should go without saying, they are not always easy to transpose. Not even by myself/ourselves... |
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mamag
28 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 19:34:40
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WOW...11yrs. congratulations,its so nice to hear of a lasting relationship (i mean more than a few months or years) as people normally go on about.
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 19:39:33
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| Not always easy years, but nobody promised us a rosen garden, and we didn't expect it. Maybe this is why we are still happy together... |
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mamag
28 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 19:42:07
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i was trying to be polite when i said the years but you know what i mean,,,people always banging on about all sorts of short lived binational marriages because one party is always after one/two things..money/visa.
did you have to deal with people speculating about that and if so how did you reconcile that.(hope you don't mind me asking and if you dont want to answer then HONESTLY don't)
seems like so many of us have lost faith in the human race...and then the other side to that is how much hope can we have when we hear or witness so may dreadful things that happen to us personally/friends/loved ones/nations etc |
Edited by - mamag on 16 May 2006 19:43:36 |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 19:54:49
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Regarding visa one woman i spoke to said she did not realise how hard it would be to bring her partner to europe, the embassies make you jump through hoops, naturally. it is something they have to consider, also when they get to europe, what jobs will they do, he was qualified but they did not release the competition for employment here. It was a financial strain.
Another complication for her, the family wanted to send a nephew to live with them. All stress and strain.
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 20:03:16
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Funny, but we both were aware of these points. I knew that because of the economical imbalance it is very difficult in an African-European relationship to figure out how much 'love' it contains, and how much 'need'. This can be a very discomforting situation, indeed.
We decided to just give it a try, and if there should be enough love, we would be lucky to have both. If not, we promised each other to separate in a fair way. No risk, no fun, and no gain. Thanks God we were lucky. But maybe we are just stubborn and wanted to show people they are all wrong  . |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 20:20:38
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Jambo, these are also very important points. The officials can open up a war against you, looking for work can also be a nightmare. It is not always easy to be aware that this stress is coming from outside and has nothing to do with your relationship. It can destroy a lot. This is why I asked where mamag's friends are living.
Another important thing are the expectations and claims of the Gambian family. They can put a lot of pressure on the Gambian partner, and to be loyal to the family is VERY important for Gambians. I saw Africans break under this pressure, go mad or end up in prison, as two sides are pulling: The European partner wants his/her economical and emotional share, the Gambian family wants the same. And the latter is not always realistic about what is possible in Europe. |
Edited by - serenata on 16 May 2006 20:22:25 |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2006 : 21:48:59
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quote:
Originally posted by serenata
mamag, it sounds good that there is no age gap between the partners, that they will live in a multicultural, multiracial metropolis like London, and that they know each other for a longer time.
Here are some of the many things I would like to tell both partners, European and African:
++ Keep in mind that you married a person from a different culture, and don't expect him/her to function 100% like a person from your own society. With your marriage you took on the task to build bridges.
++ Each one of you is a competent member of her/his own society, not of the partner's society. So, you both should see yourselves as guides and listen to your partner's advice at the same time.
++ Don't mix this with a paternal/maternal attitude. Your partner is an adult person who, in a foreign society, needs a helping hand from time to time. She/he is not a baby to be pampered or shielded from every evil.
++ Resist the temptation to play the strong and the know-it-all. Using your foreign, and maybe economically dependent partner for compensating an inferior complex or pampering your vanity means abuse. On the whole it will help you nothing, but your marriage will end up in disaster. In the same sense: Be glad and proud, not afraid, when your partners is gaining more independence.
And above all:
++ Talk to each other about everything that bothers you! I mean 'talk' and not 'accuse'. Feel free to ask 'silly' questions.
Good luck!
Have you thought about writing a book on marriage in cross-cultural societies. I will be a very good sell. |
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” |
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