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briana
32 Posts |
 Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 19:06:27
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Hello all! I would love to get some advice/information from you, especially the Gambians.
My husband and I got married 8 months ago. We met here in America, and dated for about 9 months before getting married. We are in our mid 20's and about four years apart in age. My husband is Gambian. He is educated and grew up in the city, not the village. He is Muslim, quite moderate, I would say. I'm sharing theses facts to convey the idea that I would not characterize him as very conservative.
Now I'll get to the point. I'm wondering about the concepts of love/beauty/sex in The Gambia. I'm sure they're quite different than in the West. I get the feeling the more conservaitve Gambian men are not really affectionate. I have witnessed this with one of my husband's friends. He barely speaks to his wife when we're around, and I certainly have never seen him kiss or hug her. My husband is actually quite affectionate, though it is a bit different than a Western man would be. I think being from the West I sometimes expect that when men want to show their love verbally or physically they'll fawn over their women. But with Gambian men I'm getting the feeling they may not ever get over the top affectionate.
I'm not sure, but I would love to have some more insight on these issues, especially how they relate to the younger, perhaps less conservaitve, genreation of Gambians. This is a part of the culture I'm finding I don't know much about as I have not yet been to visit The Gambia--but am really looking forward to it!
I would very much appreciate any thoughts on this topic.
Thanks!!
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Lily
United Kingdom
422 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 19:33:00
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Nice to hear a happy story.
I can't help on the topic of love/marriage (and I'm not Gambian) but I would say - go and visit - that way you will lean about the culture and meet his family and have a great time, I'm sure.
But, to be honest, it's not much different - in that my Gambian friends who are happily married are happy and show affection to each (not quite as overt as Western ways but just as genuine) and those who are not happily married: well, same everywhere really! |
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briana
32 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 19:38:09
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Oh! I'm glad it sounds like a happy story, because it certainly is. I forgot to mention in my orginal posting that we are quite happily married. Just need some insight. And we are planning on going back to visit in about a year! I aboslutely can't wait. |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 22:08:48
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What is your religious and cultural background?
My Gambian man doesn't SNOG me in public.
But he will hold my hand, stroke my skin and give me a little kiss. Everything else is for private times behind closed doors.
When I first came across this I thought he was embarassed to be with me and to admit it in public. I got annoyed. But we have talked about it and now we compromise. He will give me a kiss in public and I dont pounce on him till we are home alone! LOL!!!
The other thing I find difficult is the muslim attitude when women have their period. Ok I perhaps cant have/dont want sex....but I would like a kiss and cuddle. Gambian men seem to stay away at that time. I presume that is religious. Are women considered unclean at that time? I find that very difficult to deal with and quite offensive.   
If a man really truely loves a women he should want to be with her even if she cant have sex!!! |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 22:14:41
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You are very brave to marry after less than a year when you havent seen the home culture!!! Didn't he want to take you home first?
My guy is from senegal and before we marry I have to go to meet his family. That is very important to him.
To understand your guy I think you need at least an annual visit to Gambia to see the life.
Also if you have children together, they will be half Gambian so you need to be able to talk to them about their culture and take them and show them it. It is half of who they are, even if your man seems quite western.
Good luck with your marriage. I hope you will be very very happy together. |
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briana
32 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 22:26:57
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Well, first of all, I'm afraid that since I'm American I don't know what SNOG means! I'm thinking it might be akin to PDA (public displays of affection).
As for my religious and culutrual background: I'm not very religious, about all I know for sure is that I believe in God. I like to learn about different belief systems but haven't made a choice. I like Islam and am enjoying learning a lot about it. I am white and grew up in a small, undiverse city in the Pacific Northwest region in the US. I have gone to college and work as a lab tech now.
I don't know if Muslims actually feel a woman is "unclean" during her period, but I do know the Quran forbids intercorse during this time. So if your man is a little reserved, I'm sure this is why and you shouldn't take it personally.
I am lucky in that my husband is affectionate at all times of the month. We do kiss and cuddle all the time, and he tells me he loves me all the time, too. Very good husband... |
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briana
32 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 22:33:58
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| Well, neither one of us has that much money, so visits to The Gambia unfortunatley can't happen every single year. He had just returned from The Gambia a few months before we decided to get married so we could not immediatley visit. Of course we will, though. If like it enough, which I think I will, we plan to live there sometime in the not too far future. Of course I want our kids to know their Gambian heritage, probably more than their American, since in America we generally suffer from an identity crisis due to lack of knowing our heritage. I talk to his family on the phone quite often and am learning his language also. That's a bit hard but coming along well. |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:11:20
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Which language are you learning?
I am trying to learn MAndinka for the villages I visit and wollolf for my guys family. I am rubbish at both!! |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:12:50
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| SNOG is a passionate (very) kiss! |
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briana
32 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:14:04
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| I'm learning Wollof. I assume you have got the manuals from the Peace Corps from the internet, if not you definitely should. They are very helpful. |
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kiwi
Sweden
662 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:24:05
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Itīs not common for Gambian men to be affectionate in public - maybe in the US or Europe but not back at home. Dignity is important.
Crying is a very childish behavior, a big embarrassment.
A bleeding woman is considered unclean and he is not to supposed to touch you.
When you realize this has nothing to do with you but dipends on the values and rules in the society, itīs very easy to accept it. |
kiwi |
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briana
32 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:30:18
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Kiwi- thanks for your comments.
I would love to hear some more thoughts on the differenes between how people in The Gambia and in the West approach romantic relationships! |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:30:48
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Believe me it isnt easy to accept!!
A man loves you and wants to be with you, then your period starts and he goes away and leaves you alone! It makes me feel as if he only wants my company for sex. It makes me sad! |
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briana
32 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:34:05
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| Bev, are you saying your man practically doesn't socialize with you at all when you are on your period?! I sure hope not. I would be sad by that, too. My husband treats me exactly the same, just no stuff between the sheets. |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jan 2007 : 23:43:50
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Like I said, he leaves me alone! When I am only in Gambia for 2 weeks and he leaves me alone for 5 days it is very upsetting. He says it is what is expected of him?!
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 31 Jan 2007 : 01:03:53
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Hi Briana are you African American . I'm just curious because you wrote "since in America we generally suffer from an identity crisis due to lack of knowing our heritage."
Peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
Edited by - Sister Omega on 31 Jan 2007 01:04:10 |
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