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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
 Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 11:45:15
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I do agree that if a man/woman marries from a different culture and lives in Europe then surely they should try to understand what the culture is about in the country they live in.
I sit and read about Gambia, read the Quaran, read about Sharia, and also try to do what I can for my family back home. This is not for my husbands benefit but mine. This helps me to understand a little better, builds my knowledge of a different culture and satisfies my need to learn. |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 14:04:56
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Nobody deserves to be a doormat. I agree with Babylon, but nagging is no solution.
Apart from what might have happened in Gambia, it looks as if you two are having a neat little power struggle. Did you ever think of that, and if I am right, are you willing to end this game? |
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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 14:28:36
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Do you know something Serenta you could be right. Subconciously this may be happening without me knowing it.
I do not under any circumstances want to play games with my marriage as I do not want to lose what I have.
If I think about it maybe we are both wanting to be in control. Him as I am losing weight, driving and been more independent and me wanting to control where he goes etc. I wish someone would have made me realise this earlier.
The thing is How do I stop this? |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 14:54:07
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Janky, thank you the answer was there, you are not hte person he married, you are assertive, looking different, speaking different and getting compliments.
Ask yourself this before the weight loss what would you have done in this situation, not asked questions.
Now you have taken control of things, weight loss = a personality/image change, you might not have released that the person inside you is changing as well.
Getting a drivers licence so you do not have to depend on him, self-reliant/ independence free spirit.
GO GIRL 
If this was me, I would not think of myself as a doormat, but get on with life, when I say let him be i do not mean for ever but set time limits. Give him and you a time limit say one month to sort things out otherwise there will be changes at home.
how long you have been asking him "what is the matter", a month, 6 months, whatever. 
Give him and you a time limit say one month to sort things out otherwise there will be changes at home.
Watch the sparks fly.  i stand by my posting "Janky, i wish you well, keep your peace for now, i am sure your husband knows you love him. The situation in Gambia is out of your hands, what happens will happen. Just be there for him". 
GOOD LUCK.
Read
No you do not have to accept unreasonable behaviour but you did not make demands.
read serenate postings again. the power is in your hands. It is your choice to speak to other people, it is now up to you how you handle the advise given.
Janky you have made many steps to understand him, gambia, quaran etc but they are all books.  Look into yourself for answers.
You ask "but I am only human as I said before and I am very near my limit", LET HIM KNOW THIS.
one question if you do not get an answer in the time limit you set, what will you do. |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 14:59:59
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This is easy - the very moment you talk about this to him you signal that you want to stop playing. It could be very interesting, even amusing for you both to find out where each one of you tries to have control. Talk about your fears. Good luck, and don't forget: It takes two to tango...!  |
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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 15:57:53
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Thanks guys, I did tell him 2 weeks ago that I cannot live like this anymore, this was when I asked him if he wanted a divorce. Since then it is as if he is trying to be more talkative etc but sometimes I feel that it is just a show.
I do not ask anymore if he is ok, what is wrong just if he has had a good day at work, have you been busy etc. This way I try to get a conversation from him.I dont want to control him , that is the last thing that I want........................all I want is to be happy and loved |
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Formby
United Kingdom
246 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 18:11:33
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| I have read all this with interest and I'm tempted to say 'let's take the fact that he is Gambian out of the equasion'. When you love somebody you want to make things as good as they can be but often this prompts them to wallow even deeper in their own misery (which can be a form of self-indulgence). This is the most difficult thing in the world to do (I Know from experience) but tell his you're moving out for a while because you can't live like that much longer (or tell him to move out to a friends) and MEAN IT!. Watch him come running! It never fails. Then lay down ground rules for the future and take control of the relationship again. |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 18:37:25
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quote:
Originally posted by Formby
Then lay down ground rules for the future and take control of the relationship again.
Sorry, Formby, but what do you mean - dictatorship or relationship? Or did I misunderstand you and you mean both of them should lay ground rules? |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 18:45:32
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| Good luck Janky |
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Formby
United Kingdom
246 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 18:50:00
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| Ah serenata, but in a 'relationship', Janky would not have been made to feel like an outsider. The world is not always ideal is it? What I meant was that they both should lay down groundrules, but if she has done nothing to warrant his current behaviour (or nothing he will talk about) then she has to get tough and say no more. Sorry to say that men often take things out on their women thinking it's their right. It's up to us to train them out of that, by whatever means. |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 19:08:20
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True. He seems to be leading in this power play, but here in the bantaba we only know one side. Maybe he also has some complaints. But surely then he should open his mouth.
Heaven, I had a marathon power struggle (15 long years!), and I know it leads to nothing. |
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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 20:40:03
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Setting down groundrules is a very good idea. We did that in our relationship and we both respect eachothers values and limits. I think itīs very important. I used to be very jealous and controlling (because of lack of trust for men in general)and that was tearing on both of us. I basically thought all men were cheating liers, and he had to prove me wrong many times until I could gain trust in him. Today I trust him completely, because there is nothing strange in his behaviour that could make me to distrust him. I had to learn how to deal with my mindghosts which wasnīt easy and also to trust myself and learn that he isnīt my life, he isnīt all mine all the time -he is a part of my life and I have a life of my own with my own work and hobbies. We donīt have to be together 24/7 and watch eachother like hawks. That is not good.
I can control myself now, which is a big relief and I feel very happy and relaxed in our relationship. I feel like there is nothing I have to worry about.
Having a good communication is also very important, if you are mad at something you must let your partner know a.s.a.p. Donīt let days go by, days easily turn into weeks and weeks into months and itīs never good for any of you.
I donīt want to make it seem as we have the perfect relationship with no faults, nothing is ever perfect. It takes a lot of work from both sides to make a longterm relationship work, nothing is for free.
I would say respect from both sides and communication are number 1 to make it work. |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 20:53:17
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Babylon, the strange behaviour in janky's partners is due to family matters, not anything that either of them have done, and she cannot resolve that, perhaps give advice but it sounds like only he can actually resolve the issue.
it is up to him to resolve it, but it would help if he talked to her.
i still good luck janky |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 02 Aug 2006 : 21:36:34
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Life is too short to be miserable.
Ask...is this person good for me? If not, why stay?
Of course if there are children involved, that is different and perhaps it is worth working at more?
But if you have no children and he is making you miserable why would you want to stay?
A holiday together sounds a good idea. It doesnt have to be to Gambia. Just a couple of nights away might help.
I should point out that I am no expert on marriage!!! I just got divorced in December......so I failed! But I was married for 23 years I think and with him before that for 2 or 3 years....so all those years together and 2 beautiful daughters perhaps arent a failure????
If someone is basically good fro you I would say try and work out the problems, but if they are bad for you (making you sad, depressed, lonely ect) perhaps it is time to consider your future? |
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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
Posted - 03 Aug 2006 : 09:36:13
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Babylon, What you said is true I am jealous and this is because of very bad past relationships. I have no reason whatsoever to not trust my husband so I am too trying to control my jealousy and like myself better, but I do feel that he is getting a little jealous of the way I am losing weight nad changing, more independant,confident etc.
Going away together is something I would like to do but he never gives me a answer when I ask so I can't do anymore regarding that.
I do think that my husband is good for me as I would never have had the confidence to drive, go back to college or anything. I have a lot to thank him for, I have already told him this.
Thanks guys I read the comments everyday so that I can take note of all the advice I have been given.I want my marriage to last, that is one thing I am sure on, I dont give up on anything that I want without a fight.
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