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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
 Posted - 16 Aug 2007 : 20:11:00
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I am interested to know the views of Bantaba members about if you should always follow your parents wishes?
I was bought up to respect and obey my parents. Now I am 46, almost 47 and I am finding this difficult. I am independent and yet still want my parents blessing on my life. I want them to approve. My parents (especially my mother) dont approve of my going to Gambia alone and dont approve of me doing 'charity' things there. They think I should stick to europe for holidays and do charity things in UK or focus on my own family.
I want to do VSO in Gambia from September 2008 for 2 years. If I do this I would be based in Brikama and might try to live with my Gambian man properly. It would be a good trial. I would be doing something worthwhile too.
My parents are dead against it, before I even mention the man!  
They want me to be safe. The talk about pensions, jobs, houses etc.... and if I mentioned an African man they would straightaway worry about HIV. They are both in their early 70's.
Would you go anyway? Would you try to persuade them? Or would you let them talk you out of it?
I am thinking 12 months at home to sort out my finances and house sorted, Then 2 years in Gambia. I would be back in uk by the time I was 50, ready to work for another 15 years for my pension!!!
Part of me thinks should I wait till my parents are dead?
Part of me thinks that could be too late.
I would really appreciate peoples points of view.
THANKS! 
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fee_sweetie
United Kingdom
127 Posts |
Posted - 16 Aug 2007 : 20:26:03
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Im a bit confused actually, am I not right in thinking that you wrote a post only a few weeks ago that mentioned you have a new English partner????
I personally think that with all the mixing back and forth from the English man and your other African man, going to gambia, not going to gambia etc, then that means that you yourself are not entirly sure of what you want.
Why are you so worried of what your parents are going to think, You are 47 so why dont you live your own life.
I love my mum to pieces and yes I want her blessing for everything but I know that is not possible, she has lived most of her life, made her mistakes and done whats best for her, and now it is my turn. You live your own life and you are the person that knows what is best for yourself. But your parents are always going to love you no matter what.
Ive learnt the hard way, that I should always listen to my gut instinct and not anyone elses opinion because at the end of the day you are the one that has to deal with the choices you make.
Fiona x |
Edited by - fee_sweetie on 16 Aug 2007 20:31:09 |
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tapalapa
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 16 Aug 2007 : 20:34:16
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Hi Bev,
I think underlying all this is that your parents are scared of you leaving them.
I would say go- you only live once, it seems the right time for you age wise. U will have 12 months to prepare your parents for the separation. Ask them for their support.
I am not sure about living with the African man - think of yourself, sort out your job with VSO first, remain independant, otherwise u will become so dependant on the man that you get crushed before u even start !
Good luck with this
Tapa  |
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inez
279 Posts |
Posted - 16 Aug 2007 : 21:23:02
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Bev, most of people dont regret things they have done when they are too old for stuff...they regret things they never did. Since you still plan to go, you should do it, your parents will forgive you for that and wish you luck and miss you a lot. I believe they will stop complaining when you show them you are sure about what you want. And what happened to the guy? Or now you are polyamorous |
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toubab1020
12311 Posts |
Posted - 16 Aug 2007 : 22:04:59
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[quote]Originally posted by inez
polyamorous
I havn't checked the dictionary is it in there |
"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 16 Aug 2007 : 22:13:53
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I split up with the english guy yesterday. I was faithful to him, but he wasnt quite right for me.
The Senegalese guy in Gambia has kept in touch by text almost every day.
Is a parents love unconditional or conditional? My mothers love sometimes seems conditional on me doing as she wishes.
I don't think she will come round to the idea, she is getting more negative if anything.
If I did VSO it would be for 2 years based in Brikama, teaching teachers at the training college and going out into schools. I have applied and passed the first step. I am hesitating because of my parents lack of blessing for it.
I will regret not doing it, but if I go I will regret loosing my relationship with my mum. |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 10:50:36
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Bev, if you do not go how will you feel, you will feel unfulfilled, can you not go for six months. they are happy for europe but not for africa, can you not give them a good picture of what you will be doing.
if you come back from africa negative they will question why you go.
Look at it from a different angle. |
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MeMe
United Kingdom
541 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 11:03:49
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And just when I thought it was safe to read postings on this website, Bev, is attention seeking again! First it's the question of being able to trust 'her' Gambian man, then it's what will her children say, then it's I may be buying land in the Gambia - should I do it, then it's I've found out my Gambian man has been lying to me, then it's I'm now with an English partner oh, but wait .... and back we go to the start.  You've no doubt heard the sayings talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words? Just get on with your life, woman and give us all a break! |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 12:19:48
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| MeMe, don't let it get to you girl! |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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toubab1020
12311 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 13:01:24
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One of my favorite sayings.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
(Nothing more be said by me.!!) |
"Simple is good" & I strongly dislike politics. You cannot defend the indefensible.
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 14:08:48
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Sorry, I am not attention seeking. I am just asking peoples opinion of whether they would put their parents wishes above their own.
I'm sorry if my ideas seem to come full circle. But sometimes that is what life is like.
I have decided to put my daughters and parents needs above my own. I am going to be a 'good' daughter and mother. I am not going to do VSO at the moment and I am not going to live in Gambia. I am not going to marry a Gambian. I am not going to live with a Gambian. I am not going to buy land in Gambia.
I am going to concentrate on my UK family. I am going to work hard at my job. I am going to try to move house to downsize.
Perhaps one day I will live my dream. But not in the next few years.
I am going to continue to support Action Aid in Gambia and continue to help the education of the children I sponsor. I will continue to help Kolior nursery school.
Finances permitting I would like an annual holiday to Gambia too.
Hopefully in this way I can continue with my commitments to my Gambian friends and my UK family. |
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anna
Netherlands
730 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 16:19:06
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| Bev, there are a lot of 'i am goings' in there. Live by the day, girl. Can't you see how unpredictable life is? |
When an old African dies, it is as if a whole library has burnt down.
Amadou Hampate Ba (Mali) |
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LEMON TIME
Afghanistan
1295 Posts |
Posted - 21 Aug 2007 : 04:53:24
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| FOR God's shake listen to Anna's advise |
There is no god but Allah |
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inez
279 Posts |
Posted - 21 Aug 2007 : 20:15:43
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| Bev, you can try to go against your own wishes/dreams for some time and just live for others but that might make you bitter at the end and even end up loosing some important relationships with your relatives. Life is here and now, if you are happy, that will benefit your family too. |
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Dalton1
3485 Posts |
Posted - 21 Aug 2007 : 20:44:33
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With the aids notion, easily resolved by testing at the nearest health center. but where are aids africa, europe, america, asia or australia it is sad that people can still be stocked on attributing this pandemic to particular region, more so africa. the misnomer that aids came from monkeys in south africa (africa) is still in limbo.
it is excellent to listen to one's parents, except if they ask you to disobey God.
but here is a look at things, especial with partnership. it's like an area with an unpridictable weather; blowing hot, cold, winter, rain...etc...
here, one is hohestly choose what fits them best.
i hope my threads helps, and good luck...
Dalton
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"There is no god but Allah (SWT); and Muhammad (SAW)is His last messenger." shahadah. Fear & Worship Allah (SWT) Alone! (:
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Dalton1
3485 Posts |
Posted - 21 Aug 2007 : 20:51:07
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just some other thought, also.
by being a vso or peacecorp, you risked being called a 'spy' also. a lot of notorious recruits among them. i hope as you venture to help the Gambia, you will calculate well fittingly what you want in life.
but all said, good luck. hope you have a good direction.
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"There is no god but Allah (SWT); and Muhammad (SAW)is His last messenger." shahadah. Fear & Worship Allah (SWT) Alone! (:
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