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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
 Posted - 19 Jul 2006 : 17:40:53
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Hi All,
Wondered if anyone can give me advice that I need.
What is the best way to deal with a gambian husband that is obviously having problems, wether this be here at home or back home in The Gambia.
I have tried to talk to him- no joy, ignore him - no joy and also had arguments with him again no joy.
When I have asked what the problem is all I get is "It is family business" As his wife Am I not family?
I dont know what else to do
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Janky |
Edited by - Janky on 19 Jul 2006 17:41:30 |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jul 2006 : 18:40:15
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Do you think the problem is to do with him being Gambian? It is perhaps more due to him being a man?! 
In my experience most men arent as open as women. They brood on things and try to find their own solutions. But a problem shared is a problem halved. Encourage him to talk to you, it may come up out of general relaxed conversation rather than an inquisition!
The secret of a good marriage is trust and good communication. If he does tell you his worries and secrets treat them with respect and dont gossip about them.
If the problem is with extended family, you need to have a united front, otherwise these things can come between you.
Why not cook a nice meal and relax together and see where the conversation goes? |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 01:17:25
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good advise. men are very secretive. if it is a family matter, the only way you will likely know is if he is sure you will not come between him and family and be judgemental. We are made to believe that "men dont cry" and talking about your problems is a sign of weakness. If the mum is alive or a sister is alive call them and try to connect. Make sure he knows you are keeping the contact. This will make him trust you that you are not going to be biase if he tells you the secret.
The sister might even tell you. Sisters like to be treated like husbands in the Gambia and they have a lot of authority after a marriage is consumated. |
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LEMON TIME
Afghanistan
1295 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 01:48:19
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| Thats a very Good advise from Lady Gambiabev and KONdorong.Janky hope everything goes well for you. |
There is no god but Allah |
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 10:37:38
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Kondorong sometimes too much springs to mind! 
Anyway Janky, If I were you I would respect your husband's wishes for now at least anyway. Because meddling in family affairs can sometimes be more trouble than it is worth. Just imagine if one of your relatives had confided something very personal to them to you and held you to secrecy would you break your promise to them and the trust, which the person had placed in you? After all once trust is broken it's hard to replace. Have some patience the truth will probably come out eventually.
peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
Edited by - Sister Omega on 20 Jul 2006 10:40:47 |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 12:38:24
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Just let him know that when he is ready to talk you will listen, some people need time to sort it out for themselves before they discuss it.
be patient. |
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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 13:47:04
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Thanks Sisters/Brothers.
Kondorong - I do have contact with my mum and sisters in The Gambia. I don't telephone as they cannot speak english very well. I write to them and I also send money just to help them with anything they need.I do this myself as this is my choice, not because anyone tells me to. We as a couple send money each month for food too. I have written to my mum and sisters with photo's,money and love just last week.
I know what you are all saying about been patient but it is hard when all you want to do is help.I love my husband dearly but for the last 2 months he his very withdrawn,moody,critical and rejecting me.
Last night came to a head when I asked him if HE wants to divorce but the answer was "If I want a divorce I will tell you". I dont want a divorce but believe me I have tried everything I possibly can. I know this is only my side but I am the one that needs guideance and advice from you all.
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Janky |
Edited by - Janky on 20 Jul 2006 13:48:08 |
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serenata
Germany
1400 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 14:48:41
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| Janky, I think as the matter, whatever it may be, is affecting your marital life you have the right to know what it is. Two months of patience are enough. Problems unsolved and unshared can develop their own dynamics, and sometimes this leads to very unpleasant results. I hope your husband will understand this. |
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Babylon
Sweden
691 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 14:55:08
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I think that when you are married you must have a good communication and share your whatever problems. Sitting and being quiet about things and on top of that being moody, critical and rejecting you should not be acceptable. I would never accept that kind of behaviour.
He must honestly say what the problem is so that you donīt have to waste your time and energy on wondering day and night whatīs wrong. That must be awful for you Janky. He is not a babyboy who needs to be pampered and understood why he is rejecting you. I would be very angry and unpatient if my man were like that. People who canīt communicate with their woman/man should maybe stay single or learn how to behave inorder to keep a relationship going strong. One canīt make it work, itīs a 50/50 job.
Good luck to you anyway. |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 16:38:27
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Janky can I ask how long you have been married? Do you have children? Did you meet in Gambia or uk?
Are you english and he Gambian or BOTH Gambian?
I do wish you luck to resolve the problem. But he has to want to sort it out too. |
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Janky
United Kingdom
92 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 16:55:29
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I am english and he is gambian. Now we dont have children together but he is a fantastic step-dad (most of the times)
We met in the UK and celebrate our 5th anniversay on tuesday, if he decides he doesnt want a divorce |
Janky |
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gambiabev
United Kingdom
3091 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 18:01:40
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Perhaps the anniversary will be a good day and help break the negative cycle?
Just a thought, but perhaps it is as simple as him being a bit homesick? |
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jambo
3300 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 18:10:47
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how about this, have a holiday, sometimes distance makes the problem seem worse. Maybe he is homesick and needs to touch base.
After the coup, a lot of Gambians had a reality check and started to re-think about gambia, reads some of the forums that were started just after that date. uptil then things were going along at a peaceful rate, people were talking about buying land and investing, opening up bank accounts, sending money, shipping goods, school fees.
Lots of things happening in Gambia now that is upsetting to the Gambians in Disapora. Maybe the family needs to see him. Why do you send money every month, could you not help with a business or education pay for someone to learn a trade or finish school. Just in case something happens they would at least be self sufficient. Money every month is draining.
When i was there rice was 675 dls a bag, oil for cars was up, i am not sure about oil for cooking but it just seemed to be increasing slowly each week. The only thing that was stable was wages which I am sure has not increased over the past year.
good luck
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 18:29:46
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Janky relationships can be tricky and you know your husband better than anyone else here. I would advise you to do what you think is best. You've tried patience and everyone has a limit, don't be afraid to speak your truth, at least then he will know what you are thinking, and then the ball is in his court to make the right moves to sort things out.
peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
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kondorong
Gambia
4380 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 19:18:44
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quote:
Originally posted by Sister Omega
Kondorong sometimes too much springs to mind!
Anyway Janky, If I were you I would respect your husband's wishes for now at least anyway. Because meddling in family affairs can sometimes be more trouble than it is worth. Just imagine if one of your relatives had confided something very personal to them to you and held you to secrecy would you break your promise to them and the trust, which the person had placed in you? After all once trust is broken it's hard to replace. Have some patience the truth will probably come out eventually.
peace
Sister Omega
Can you be more explicit. I am lost |
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Sister Omega
United Kingdom
2085 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2006 : 21:08:31
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Kondorong if a woman has a genuine honest and trustworthy sister- in -law then she is blessed. If a woman has a contankerous, and manipulative sister-in-law then she can cause havoc in your marriage. I think the less people involved in your relationship the better, Because each person giving advice on your relationship have their own issues which they maybe projecting on your relationship, and might not necessarily have your partner and your interests at heart.
peace
Sister Omega |
Peace
Sister Omega |
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